A speck of silver lining

“Every cloud has a silver lining.”

Throughout my online dating adventures, I have met two men with whom I’ve actually been able to form friendships.  We’ll call them “Brad” and “Adam” for anonymity purposes.

“Brad” and I met at a local brewery one night.  He began messaging me via Tinder because my profile says that I love science and math.  I checked out his profile, too.  He’s into wake boarding and works as an electrical engineer.  We exchange numbers and meet at our agreed upon location.

I walk in and “Brad” is not as he appears in his photos.  He’s about 5’6 and I’m 5’7 barefoot so already, there is a little bit of a heigh mismatch.  We order a couple of beers and talk.  The conversation is GREAT.  He’s smart and knowledgable about all science and academic fields.  We have a deep scientific discussion about evolution and fate and destiny.  It was probably the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had with another person my age EVER.  Intelligence-wise, he’s fantastic.  But I’m not attracted to him physically.

Call me shallow if you wish, but for me, being physically attracted to someone is a huge part of a relationship.  If I don’t want to jump your bones after the first time we meet, I’m not sure if I can see a future.  I’m a firm believer that a physical connection with a partner is just as important as an emotional one.  Think about it.  Those intimate moments are literally the closest you can be to another human being.  Period.

Anyway, “Brad” and I text after our meeting.  I am honest with him and tell him that I don’t see our relationship escalating any further than friendship.  He thanks me for being so straightforward and laughs about our mismatched heights.  He invites me to get together sometime to drink some beers and watch Interstellar or the Imitation Game.  No expectations at all.  Just friends.  I’m definitely down with that.  Our schedules haven’t lined up for any definitive plans yet, but the option is there.  And we’re both trying.  I see a friendship in the making if things keep up like this.  And I’m glad that I had the chance to meet him.

“Adam” is also great.  He and I have been out twice.  The first time was essentially a date and he took me to a nice restaurant/bar with an outdoor patio.  The ambience was nice.  It was in the middle of downtown with beautiful lights strung from the top of the patio.  We drank a bottle of wine and ate some delicious pizza.  He’s a nuclear physicist and he is waiting to hear back about a job in another state.  Because of the work he will be doing, he needs high-level security clearance so a background check has been ongoing for the last several months and will continue for the next few.  He is not sure when he will be moving, but it could be any time between now and the end of summer.

“Adam” and I have great conversation, too.  He grew up in the Middle East and came here for college.  He’s very intelligent and I am fascinated with his life.  He has family all over the world and has traveled to some very interesting places over the years.  He was up-front about his job situation from the beginning so I know that what we have going on is not going to be anything more than it is right now.  And we’re both okay with that.  We enjoy each other’s company.

The second time we went out was a Thursday night.  It was the first really warm and beautiful Thursday in my city.  We took advantage of it and went to a local brewery above the train tracks that overlooks the city skyline.  We ordered a pitcher of beer, nachos and quesadillas.  He’s convinced I don’t eat enough even though I do tell him repeatedly that I can eat medium pizzas by myself and would destroy a basket of fried pickles if they were put in front of me.  He’s genuine and sweet, but life is taking us in different directions.

Both of these men were Tinder matches.  Both of them turned out to be fantastic company and would be a great catch for someone…just not me.  Not this time.  Thinking about these two does make me smile.  It gives me hope that despite the wild and crazy dating experiences I have had so far…there are still some good people out there.

They may be harder to find than a needle in a haystack, but at least they do exist.

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From red hot to ice cold

Where do I even begin?  I had high hopes with “Mike.”  Things seemed to be going so well.  He invited me to his friend’s engagement party, I met all of his friends, he came over and cooked me dinner.  I was starting to honestly feel like this could turn into something serious.  Could I actually have found my perfect match on Tinder of all places?

The answer: A big, fat NOPE.

Ready for quite the story?  I hope so.

“Mike” and I had tentative plans to get together on a Thursday night.  He is starting a brand new job on Monday and has to get a lot of things in order the week beforehand, so our conversations are short and we aren’t texting as much.  I am a very understanding person.  Working in local television, I probably understand the stress of a new job better than anyone else.  You want to start of strong right out of the gate and make a good first impression.  You can always be replaced by someone younger or better looking for less money, so the thought is always in the back of your mind that I need to go above and beyond what is required of me to make sure I’m getting noticed and I’m making people watch.  I get it.  I’ve had 3 different jobs in television in 3 different states.  I’ve uprooted my life several times.  Its stressful.

After not hearing from him all day Thursday, I text him and ask what he’s thinking for that night.  Keep in mind, we are, at this point, about 3 weeks into our little dating adventure.  His responses are short.  He doesn’t seem like he’s putting forth an effort so I send him this:

“Listen, I know how hard it is to start a new job and I know how much you are worrying about Monday so if you can’t get together or don’t want tonight, we can reschedule.”

I’m officially too nice of a person.  I’m genuine.  To a point where I sometimes think its a fault.  I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, especially in situations surrounding my romantic life.  Eventually, I’ll find someone who can appreciate that.

Anyway, “Mike” sends me back this long diatribe about how he is struggling to compartmentalize his life and he is afraid of being distracted from his new job because he could see something serious developing between the two of us.

Okay, so we’re on the same page.  He’s also thinking that this could turn into something.  We chat on the phone for a bit because having those conversations over text NEVER goes well.  I wanted to know what he was thinking and gauge his feelings.  He claimed he was an honest person and said he prides himself on honesty because he would rather be open and up-front and maybe hurt someone’s feelings early on than lead a woman on and end up hurting her down the road.  I respect that.  A lot, actually.

He asks if we can slow things down.  There it was.  The other shoe.  Through this entire dating process, I had it in the back of my mind that he was too good to be true.  SOMETHING was wrong with him.  There had to be.  No one gets wrapped up in a whirlwind romance that quickly, right?  I tried not to search for the faults and focus on the good that was in front of me.  But my intuition was right.  I waited for the other shoe to drop, so I really shouldn’t have been surprised when it finally did.

Slow things down.

I still feel like there is something between us, so I oblige.  He asks if we can meet up for breakfast in the morning so he can see me.  He’s saying all of the right things.  So…I say “yes.”

We meet for breakfast at a restaurant near downtown.  He kisses my cheek to greet me and we eat a fantastic meal with great conversation again.  He is resting his hand on my thigh, telling me I’m beautiful and once again, saying everything I wanted to hear.  This was going to work.  We continued to spend some time together after breakfast.  I’m sparing the details because I am, after all, a lady.  But it was great.  We parted ways and continued to text a little bit that afternoon but I got tied up at work and had to come home, go straight to bed, and get back to work by 4AM so it was a rough night for me.

Saturday was radio silence.  I didn’t push it because I knew he had to read some books for work and finish up some paperwork to prepare for his first day of his new job.  I let it go.  Which was hard because we had talked EVERY DAY up until that point.

Sunday rolls around.  Nothing.  Sunday night, I shoot him a quick text that says:

“Just wanted to wish you luck on your first day tomorrow!  I hope your new job is everything you were hoping for and more.  Can’t wait to hear how awesome your first day goes!”

Short.  Sweet.  To the point.  I went out of my way to wish him luck.  Still…nothing.

Monday afternoon, I’m sitting at work discussing the sequence of events with a co-worker.  He thinks I should get rid of “Mike.”  He makes a valid point that it takes 30 seconds to respond to a text message.  Even when you are busy.  And who doesn’t take their phone with them everywhere these days?  I go home after work and think…I’ll give him until tomorrow.  Maybe.

Tuesday morning, we’re still in radio blackout.  I had deleted Tinder off my phone after a conversation that “Mike” and I had about how by the 3rd or 4th date, we’re in it to see how things progress so what’s the point of Tinder still being there?  It has now been 4 days since the last time we talked.

I grab Tinder off my cloud.  Out of pure curiosity, I click on his profile because we are still matched and I see:

Active: 21 minutes ago.

Wow.  So you have time to dick around on Tinder but can’t spare a few seconds out of your day to thank me for wishing you luck on your first day of your new job?!

What.  An.  Ass.

I was done.  I sent him one last message that read:

“Hey.  I haven’t heard from you in a few days.  I hope everything is okay.  When we talked last week, I didn’t think that ‘slowing things down’ meant you cutting me off completely.  I deserve more than that and I’m too good for it.”

Still nothing.  No response.  So that was it.  I clearly made the right call.  He got what he wanted from me and shut it down to most likely move on to the next.

I fell for it.  Hook, line and sinker.  I was a little hurt but realized that I deserve better.  I’m a catch.  I know I am.  I just need to find someone who appreciates that.  He has to be out there somewhere, right?

Back to the interwebs for more online dating adventures.  (Insert eye roll)

Here we go again…

So maybe Tinder isn’t so bad…

I like to think that I’m a “normal” person.  Besides the fact that my career puts me in the local limelight, I consider myself fairly average.  I’m a dork that got lucky and gets to be on television.  That’s honestly how I see myself.  Contrary to the stereotypes that seem to follow some local TV personalities, I don’t have a large ego.  My outgoing personality can fill a room, but I check my ego at the door.  Anyway, I figured that if I am, by my definition, “normal” then there must be some other men on Tinder who are also normal.

I start chatting with a few.  One is British…hot…one is a doctor…super hot…but nothing really comes out of any of it except mindless chat.  My phone rings.  Its “Mike.”  He is asking me out for drinks.  He called.  He picked up the phone, scrolled through his contacts, found my number and pressed “dial.”  It may not seem like a lot, but with everything electronic these days, picking up the phone to physically speak to me earns you bonus points.  Technology isn’t all its cracked up to be sometimes.  I don’t know about you, but I need human interaction.

“Mike” wants to meet in person.  We agree to meet at 9PM at a local bar equidistant from our two apartments.  I gave him a general location of my apartment.  I’m overly cautious as it is and I have never met this man before so I’m vague.  I get dressed for our first “date.”

As mentioned in my previous blog entries, women know exactly what they are doing when they’re getting dressed and ready for a date.  Nothing we wear or do to our hair or makeup is by accident.  We’ve dated enough to know what parts of our body to accentuate and which parts would benefit from being hidden.  We know how to make ourselves the most attractive versions of ourselves.

I decide on a white came with a pale brown sweater over top.  Its opened in the front.  I’m wearing my best bra and happen to be one of the founding members of the “Busty Girls Club” so I keep it classy, but make sure there’s just enough cleavage happening that it gets him to wonder…or at least check me out.  I pair it with skinny jeans and a pair of wedges, fix my hair and makeup (making sure that my baby blue eyes POP) and I’m out the door.

We meet outside the bar.  I pull up first and then he does just a few moments later.  He steps out of his car.  O-M-G he’s gorgeous.  6’1…blonde…blue eyes…broad shoulders…the kind of man you know could pick you up and toss you around…(snap out of it, sister).  He introduces himself and hugs me as I introduce myself.  We go inside and sit at a table and each order a drink.

The conversation is easy and the connection is immediate.  We talk about subjects from work to where we grew up to family to sports, etc.  3 hours pass like its nothing.  I really enjoy talking to Mike.  He’s flirtatious and he keeps telling me that I’m beautiful and notices my eyes (makeup win).  I get up to use the restroom at one point and catch him checking me out.  It feels GOOD.  He thinks I’m hot.  He caught me checking him out once.  His top button on his shirt is undone and I can see a tattoo on his chest just peeking out ever-so-slightly.  I’m curious about it.  I guess I was staring because he told me the story behind the tattoo.  Oops.

Its now after midnight.  He has to work in the morning.  We’ve had 2 drinks.  I’m flying.  I’m so attracted to this man.  I’m wrapped up in everything he is saying.  I am in absolute amazement that this gorgeous man is making eyes at ME!

We walk out of the bar and reluctantly say goodnight.  He says he had an amazing time and already wants to know what I’m doing tomorrow.  He and his friends are grilling out and he wants me to join.  I tell him to give me the details and I’ll try and stop by.  He kisses my cheek and asks me to text him when I get home so he knows I made it alright.  I guess chivalry isn’t completely dead.

I get into my car and take a deep breath.  That was probably the best first date I have ever been on and the fastest I have ever felt a connection with someone.  I drive home in an infatuated daze.  As soon as I pull into my parking spot, I text him to tell him I made it home.

We continue texting back and forth until 3AM.  I have never felt this way after a first date and by his texts to me, neither has he. Could I have found my perfect man this quickly?  Its 3AM and I’m now exhausted but I’m going to sleep with a smile on my face.

He asks me again about cooking out by the pool with his friends.  Of course I’m going.  And I’m shopping for a new outfit first thing in the morning.

Dating for “ME”

Its been a busy week for this girl.  Between a hectic work schedule and several dates, I’ve fallen off the blogging bandwagon…temporarily.  The good news is: I’m back so where did I leave you?

Ah, yes.  eHarmony guy #2 (“Dave”) and Tinder guy #2 (who we shall name in next blog post).

Let’s start with “Dave.”  I genuinely had a great time on our date so naturally, Dave and I start texting more and make tentative plans to go on another date to an NHL game the following Saturday.  I was in the middle of working an 8 day stretch with erratic hours, so we decided the weekend would be the best chance to make something work.

I really enjoy texting with “Dave.”  He’s funny and clever and our conversations are easy but part of me still feels like something is missing.  Is “Dave” my soulmate?  Probably not.  Am I even looking for a soulmate?  Not sure.  Right now, its fun.  I’m meeting new people, making new friends and learning about myself and what I want for once.

I’ve always had the tendency to date a man that I believed could be “fixed.”  Is it the natural, mothering instinct in women that makes us believe we can help a person?  We can be their saving grace.  Their compass to point them back on the right path.  We can save them from themselves.  We can be what they need to make themselves a better person.  We put aside our wants and needs and focus our energy on someone else and their issues.  We look past this person’s flaws and latch on to those magical moments we share with them that honestly…are few and far between.

WHY DO WE KEEP DOING THIS?  WHY?!

The best dating advice I’ve ever received in my life didn’t come from my best girlfriend or flipping through the pages of Cosmo or reading online dating blogs.  It came from my father.

BACK STORY:

My last long-term relationship went down in fairly epic flames in July of 2014.  We had been together for 3 years and we lived together for 2 of them.  We talked about getting married and starting a family and honestly began planning the next few years of our future together.  Until one Saturday morning, he decided that he couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of my career.  My contract was up in 6 months and I would be moving on to a bigger city for a new position, but I had no clue where I would be.  I knew where I wanted to go but in the world of television news, you move where the job takes you.  He didn’t want to follow me and my career.  So…he was done.  Out of the blue.  There was no discussion, debate, or compromise.  He was done.  He packed up whatever he could fit in his car and 6 hours later, he had moved to another state (back in with his mother, mind you).

About a week later, I’m on vacation with my family.  I’m sitting on the beach and decompressing with my feet in the sand while I stare out at the ocean.  My phone rings.  Its my ex, naturally.  His resume is on my laptop and he is applying for a job so instead of being a decent human being and just creating a new resume all together, he asks me to email it to him.  I designed and wrote it for him when we were together so of course he wants the one that he knows will likely get him a job.

I hang up and reluctantly head back to the house, open my laptop and email him the document.  Immediately, I begin to cry.  You don’t spend 3 years of your life with someone if you don’t honestly believe that you have a future together.  When it all comes crashing down, its hard to think of what could be next.

I grab a couple of Coronas and sit on the deck with my dad.  He is a wonderful man.  If I could find a husband half as amazing as my father, I would be happy.

My dad starts off this conversation.  His intentions are good, but he definitely needs to work on the delivery.

“K, you’re going to have a hard time finding a man.”

“Well…thanks, Dad.”

“Just listen for a second.”

“Definitely need to work on a smoother delivery there, old man.”

“Sorry, but listen.  You are smart, talented and driven.  You’re beautiful and successful and a lot of men find that intimidating.  You may have a hard time finding someone who is on your same intellectual level.”

“So…basically…I’m doomed.”

“No.  I’m not saying that.  You need to stop dating boys and start dating men.  You need to find a man who has his life together.  Someone who doesn’t need to be fixed.  Someone who can take care of you for a change.  You deserve to be taken care of and you want to date someone who challenges you and makes you a better version of yourself.  Stop dating losers.  Start dating men with careers.  Men who can support you.  Men who don’t have personal issues that interfere with your relationship.  Date someone who appreciates what you do.  Someone who is as passionate about their career and their life as you are about yours.”

He is typically not a man of many words, but damn these words were good.  They hit me right in the feels.  He was on the money with this one.  So, I sit and ponder as I stare at the ocean.  Cool breeze on my face and beer in hand. I decide right then and there that whenever I begin dating again, I will date for ME this time.

BACK TO NOW:

“Dave” and I have a date in the works, but its a week away.  In the meantime, I’m still having a few other conversations on eHarmony and even Tinder, too.  Its fun.  Every day, there are new people to talk to and another chance for you to swipe right or left.  Superficial?  Maybe.  But its something new.

Tinder guy #2 sends me his first message and I am completely enticed by his approach…

eHarmony – because why not?

eHarmony…the least creepy of all of the online dating sites…or so I’ve heard.

I go through the steps to fill out a profile being as honest as possible because, hey, I’m new in town…what do I have to lose at this point?  Add a few photos, reluctantly hand over my credit card info and poof! my likes, interests and life goals are now visible to single men within a 60 mile radius of me.

…I try to forget the fact that I am paying to be matched up with men because I don’t even know where to begin meeting people anymore and its been more than 6 months since my last long-term relationship went down in EPIC flames and its about time I get back out there…

I’m matched with 6 guys right from the start.  I could get into this.  Some are attractive.  Some seem intelligent.  Some have good jobs.  Some seem like they just crawled out of their mother’s basement where they’ve been surfing the deep web for illegal porn….

If you don’t know how eHarmony works, I’ll give you a brief little rundown:

  1. Fill out profile
  2. Get matches
  3. Decide if matches look appealing
  4. Pursue conversation

Now, on eHarmony, you can choose to skip right to the conversation part or you can follow their “guided communication” first.  Being new to the world of online dating, I needed all of the guidance they had to offer.

You start by asking them 5 close-ended questions.  They come from a list with multiple-choice answers or an option to write your own answer.  The questions range from “How often do you find yourself laughing?” to “What are your feelings about premarital sex?”  Side note: WHY in God’s name would that EVER be the first question you ask someone?  Unless you want to get straight down to business…in which case…what are my feelings?  I digress…

Anyway, you each have a chance to ask and answer each other’s questions before sending you list of “Makes or Breaks.”  In a nutshell, its a bullshit list about what you like and don’t like in a partner.  Ladies, how many times have we overlooked something on our “Breaks” list because we were blinded by love or consumed with infatuation?  Exactly…the lists are crap…

After the “Makes or Breaks” are sent, you get to send “Dig Deeper” questions (insert joke about how I’d love a man to be “digging deeper” right now).  These questions are more in-depth and they give the person you are chatting with a chance to be more descriptive and ask questions that aren’t so cheesy like “Why did you sign up for eHarmony?” or “What are you looking for in a partner?”

Once you get through all of those steps, your “relationship” then escalates to eHarmony Mail.  Its email.  You email back and forth, decide if you want to pursue things further, exchange numbers and then you can text/call.  The whole process to get to talking to one person could take a few days, a week or even longer.  It depends on how quickly each of you respond.

Its a good thing and a bad thing.  I’ve been single for more than 6 months and its preventing me from jumping too quickly at an opportunity for a man to take me to dinner and tell me I’m pretty…wait a second…why would I want to wait on that?  No, but in all seriousness it starts things slowly and I’m in the public eye so I need to be extra careful. As a woman, I’m always careful.  As a woman on TV, you can never be TOO cautious.  There are a lot of creeps out there, ladies.  Take it from me.  But it just feels like a never-ending process to actually get the conversation going.

So I go through all of the steps and finally get to chatting.  Enter guy #1…

Who AM I?

Hello, world!  Let me start things off here with a little bit of background about me.  I’m in my late 20s, single and just moved to a brand new city for a new job in local TV.  If you thought dating in your 20s was hard enough, try being a local celebrity venturing into the world of online dating for the first time…ugh!

I typically lead a boring life outside of my job.  I binge watch TV shows on Netflix, play with my dog, spend way too much time on the internet, travel occasionally then work and repeat.  But I moved to a new city and wanted to start fresh.  Given my disastrous and laughable dating history up to this point, I figured I would give online dating a try…

Stay tuned for all of my trials, turmoils and Tinder fails.  Its sure to be an entertaining ride…