Where are all the normal men?


I am now completely convinced that there are only 2 “normal” men left in this world…and they are dating each other.

I woke up yesterday morning to a text from “Jim” (see Let’s NOT talk about sex…) apologizing for his actions the previous night.  It was 6AM.  He’s sorry.  He was allegedly at a party and had been drinking.

WHAT A SHOCK! — not.

You mean alcohol fueled his raunchy dialogue?  Go figure.

He says he’s sorry for being an asshat and he’s not that kind of guy.  He feels terrible about the whole ordeal.  I somehow find this hard to believe.

If it wasn’t 6AM and my brain was actually awake and functioning, I would have probably told him to go f*ck himself.  I somehow find enough energy and brain power to come up with this:

“What happened?!  You were so sweet yesterday afternoon.  I thought we had a shot at really hitting it off, but at some point last night, a switch was flipped and I felt like I was talking to a horny teenager.”

He’s apologizing again.  He says that is not who he is and he still wants to take me out.  He promises to treat me right.  He compliments me and tells me I’m amazing.  Am I this much of a sucker?  Am I so ridiculously desperate that I am ACTUALLY considering this?  I wish the answer to those two questions was “no.”


My dating life could really be made into a sitcom at this point.

The kicker to this ENTIRE story is that he has a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling.  I kid you not.  Why are the ones who make a living helping others are the ones that seem the most unstable?  Am I the only one that his noticed this trend?

Maybe after I agree to this date, he can counsel me on my obviously jilted mental state.  Yes, I said yes to a date.  Why?  I’m honestly not sure.  Blog research?  Before the uncomfortable sexting incident, we had agreed to meet for drinks Monday.  I told him I would still meet him but was very apprehensive.

I arrive at our agreed upon location.  I had come directly from work so I was rushing to quickly change and meet him there.  He had texted me almost an hour before I arrived saying he was on his way.  When I responded and asked him why he was leaving so early, he replied “because I’m bored.”

Well…I’m sorry that not working a normal 9 to 5 job is inconvenient for you.

I text him after I park my car asking where to meet him.  I wait.  No response.  I walk inside and attempt to find this man I have only ever seen photos of online.

I’m dressed to the nines.  Lucky Brand skinny jeans, printed brown and black halter top, brown wedges.  My TV makeup is still on and my hair looks extra “newsy.”

I walk up to the hostess stand and she politely asks, “how many?”  I reply that I’m meeting someone here but I’m not sure where he is so she very sweetly offers to walk me around to see if we can find him.  God bless this young woman.  I can tell that she knows I’m meeting someone for the first time and I needed someone like her in that moment.  Solidarity, sister!  After only 30 seconds, I spot him at the bar.

Of course he’s at the bar.  The LEAST intimate setting out of any place in a restaurant.  This, AFTER I had asked him if we could sit outside because it was such a beautiful evening, mind you.

I introduce myself and he says hello.  This next part is not meant to sound cruel in any way at all, but throughout the duration of our time together, I honestly could not tell if he was drunk when I arrived or if his elevator maybe wasn’t reaching the top floor…

Where do I find these people?  How is it possible that there are THIS MANY strange men in a relatively small area?

It was awful.  I carried the conversation.  He kept asking the same questions over and over again.  He did not like talking about himself and changed the subject back to me.  I had just about enough of carrying the conversation, so I decided to address the elephant in the room.

“I have to ask you about last night.  What happened?  Seriously?  Just wondering what made you think that was okay?”

He puts his hands to his face.  “I’m so sorry!  I was such an idiot.  I thought that was what you wanted.”

“What I wanted?!  I tried to change the subject every time you brought it up because you kept pushing the issue.  No one wants that.  And what I tried to make you understand is that there are some things I absolutely will not talk about over text messaging with someone I don’t know.  It takes less than a second to take a screenshot and someone could potentially damage a reputation that I’ve worked so hard to build.  That’s not okay.”

He keeps apologizing.  I’m over this date.  So.  Over.  It.  I was honestly over it before it even began.  I’m not even sure why I went in the first place.  I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt…something I definitely should not have done in the first place.

He walks me out.  I am polite and thank him for the beers.  THANK GOD for Yuengling.

He texts me later that night.  He had fun.  Wait….what?!  DO WE EVEN LIVE ON THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE?!

I don’t respond.  He’s one number I’m definitely going to be happy to lose…


Let’s NOT talk about sex…

I seriously CANNOT make this stuff up.  I am rolling my eyes and honestly questioning my life choices with this whole online dating thing.  Do you have your popcorn ready?  Here’s the latest:

Newest Tinder match – a man named “Jim.”  “Jim” is attractive in his photos and we chat via Tinder message for a couple of days before exchanging numbers.  He’s cute.  He’s very athletic and tells me he coaches cross country for a local area college.  The conversation starts off slow, which is how I prefer it.

I am OVERLY cautious about everything I do online.  That’s why this blog is anonymous and why I’ve changed the names of all those involved in my dating disasters.  I’m here to tell stories and have you all question my sanity while protecting my reputation and avoiding damage to others.

“Jim” and I text back and forth all weekend.  He’s sweet.  We talk about likes and dislikes and get into a little bit about each other’s past.  The generic questions: Where did you grow up?  Where did you go to school?  Interests outside of work?  On Sunday evening, he asks me to dinner or out for drinks on Monday.  He sounds great and I think we may hit it off.  He’s funny and complimenting me and seems genuinely interested in my life and what I do for a living.  I’m equally interested in his, too.

The conversation goes from this:

“Are you really this adorable or am I crazy?  You seem to sweet.”

To this:

Well bend over.  Take my dick please.”

I just have one question….ummmmmmmm WHAT?!

Somewhere during the duration of our text convo he says “I like to have fun.”  My response was “Me, too!  Who doesn’t?”  Little did I know that those 4 words would open up the metaphorical floodgates of dirty talk and awkward sexting.  On his end.  Not mine.

I have NEVER met this man.  We have been talking for 2 DAYS.  I know nothing about him besides what he has chosen to tell me and the little bit of info I was able to find by creeping on the Internet (I work in news.  We’re all naturally curious.  Don’t judge me).

Can we, oh I don’t know, NOT talk about sex after not even ever meeting in person?  Hell, I’d like to see if we are even compatible before we even put that out there on the table.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe intimacy is a huge part of any relationship, but I met this guy on Tinder.  TINDER!  We have yet to meet face-to-face and he’s telling me to bend over and take it?  Mind you, all of this after he tells me he’s looking for a classy girl…yeah, okay.

Why the complete 180 degree turn?  I’m not 100% innocent in this whole ordeal but I DO NOT have conversations like this with people I don’t know.  I’m hesitant to even have them with people I do actually know.  I was flirting with him.  I was being cute and coy and evasive.

He didn’t just straddle the line of harmless flirting/creeper status…he launched himself over it like he was being shot from a cannon.

Honestly, I was disturbed.  I still am as I sit here and write this blog entry.  I’m a public figure.  I have certain standards and rules.  There are thing I will absolutely not talk about over text messages.  Especially with someone I have never met.  He seemed understanding about that…at first.  What happened?

Part of me is hoping that I get a message from him in the morning saying “I’m so mortified!  My asshole friends took my phone.”  But at this point, that’s nothing but wishful thinking.

Did I get played?  Catfished?  Was he doing it for a laugh?  Why go through all of the effort of getting to know me before flipping the switch?  He works at a local college.  He should be held to a higher standard.

I refuse to be just a piece of ass to someone.  I thought I made that clear from the beginning.  He told me he was looking forward to meeting me Monday and was determined to make me his girlfriend.  He said I would fall for him and that was his goal.  Was he honestly just telling me what I wanted to hear?

Can any of the men reading this blog chime in with some insight here?  W-T-F did I just go through?

He seemed so normal at first.  I guess they all do.  And I now officially hate Tinder.  It has caused me nothing but headaches and mildly entertaining blog entries.

Are there any NORMAL guys left out there?  Or have they been replaced by sex-crazed assholes?

There is not enough wine in the world….

From red hot to ice cold

Where do I even begin?  I had high hopes with “Mike.”  Things seemed to be going so well.  He invited me to his friend’s engagement party, I met all of his friends, he came over and cooked me dinner.  I was starting to honestly feel like this could turn into something serious.  Could I actually have found my perfect match on Tinder of all places?

The answer: A big, fat NOPE.

Ready for quite the story?  I hope so.

“Mike” and I had tentative plans to get together on a Thursday night.  He is starting a brand new job on Monday and has to get a lot of things in order the week beforehand, so our conversations are short and we aren’t texting as much.  I am a very understanding person.  Working in local television, I probably understand the stress of a new job better than anyone else.  You want to start of strong right out of the gate and make a good first impression.  You can always be replaced by someone younger or better looking for less money, so the thought is always in the back of your mind that I need to go above and beyond what is required of me to make sure I’m getting noticed and I’m making people watch.  I get it.  I’ve had 3 different jobs in television in 3 different states.  I’ve uprooted my life several times.  Its stressful.

After not hearing from him all day Thursday, I text him and ask what he’s thinking for that night.  Keep in mind, we are, at this point, about 3 weeks into our little dating adventure.  His responses are short.  He doesn’t seem like he’s putting forth an effort so I send him this:

“Listen, I know how hard it is to start a new job and I know how much you are worrying about Monday so if you can’t get together or don’t want tonight, we can reschedule.”

I’m officially too nice of a person.  I’m genuine.  To a point where I sometimes think its a fault.  I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, especially in situations surrounding my romantic life.  Eventually, I’ll find someone who can appreciate that.

Anyway, “Mike” sends me back this long diatribe about how he is struggling to compartmentalize his life and he is afraid of being distracted from his new job because he could see something serious developing between the two of us.

Okay, so we’re on the same page.  He’s also thinking that this could turn into something.  We chat on the phone for a bit because having those conversations over text NEVER goes well.  I wanted to know what he was thinking and gauge his feelings.  He claimed he was an honest person and said he prides himself on honesty because he would rather be open and up-front and maybe hurt someone’s feelings early on than lead a woman on and end up hurting her down the road.  I respect that.  A lot, actually.

He asks if we can slow things down.  There it was.  The other shoe.  Through this entire dating process, I had it in the back of my mind that he was too good to be true.  SOMETHING was wrong with him.  There had to be.  No one gets wrapped up in a whirlwind romance that quickly, right?  I tried not to search for the faults and focus on the good that was in front of me.  But my intuition was right.  I waited for the other shoe to drop, so I really shouldn’t have been surprised when it finally did.

Slow things down.

I still feel like there is something between us, so I oblige.  He asks if we can meet up for breakfast in the morning so he can see me.  He’s saying all of the right things.  So…I say “yes.”

We meet for breakfast at a restaurant near downtown.  He kisses my cheek to greet me and we eat a fantastic meal with great conversation again.  He is resting his hand on my thigh, telling me I’m beautiful and once again, saying everything I wanted to hear.  This was going to work.  We continued to spend some time together after breakfast.  I’m sparing the details because I am, after all, a lady.  But it was great.  We parted ways and continued to text a little bit that afternoon but I got tied up at work and had to come home, go straight to bed, and get back to work by 4AM so it was a rough night for me.

Saturday was radio silence.  I didn’t push it because I knew he had to read some books for work and finish up some paperwork to prepare for his first day of his new job.  I let it go.  Which was hard because we had talked EVERY DAY up until that point.

Sunday rolls around.  Nothing.  Sunday night, I shoot him a quick text that says:

“Just wanted to wish you luck on your first day tomorrow!  I hope your new job is everything you were hoping for and more.  Can’t wait to hear how awesome your first day goes!”

Short.  Sweet.  To the point.  I went out of my way to wish him luck.  Still…nothing.

Monday afternoon, I’m sitting at work discussing the sequence of events with a co-worker.  He thinks I should get rid of “Mike.”  He makes a valid point that it takes 30 seconds to respond to a text message.  Even when you are busy.  And who doesn’t take their phone with them everywhere these days?  I go home after work and think…I’ll give him until tomorrow.  Maybe.

Tuesday morning, we’re still in radio blackout.  I had deleted Tinder off my phone after a conversation that “Mike” and I had about how by the 3rd or 4th date, we’re in it to see how things progress so what’s the point of Tinder still being there?  It has now been 4 days since the last time we talked.

I grab Tinder off my cloud.  Out of pure curiosity, I click on his profile because we are still matched and I see:

Active: 21 minutes ago.

Wow.  So you have time to dick around on Tinder but can’t spare a few seconds out of your day to thank me for wishing you luck on your first day of your new job?!

What.  An.  Ass.

I was done.  I sent him one last message that read:

“Hey.  I haven’t heard from you in a few days.  I hope everything is okay.  When we talked last week, I didn’t think that ‘slowing things down’ meant you cutting me off completely.  I deserve more than that and I’m too good for it.”

Still nothing.  No response.  So that was it.  I clearly made the right call.  He got what he wanted from me and shut it down to most likely move on to the next.

I fell for it.  Hook, line and sinker.  I was a little hurt but realized that I deserve better.  I’m a catch.  I know I am.  I just need to find someone who appreciates that.  He has to be out there somewhere, right?

Back to the interwebs for more online dating adventures.  (Insert eye roll)

Here we go again…

The trouble with Tinder

I get together with a group of girlfriends from work on a Saturday afternoon.  A few beers later…and against my better judgement…they have successfuly convinced me and I have downloaded Tinder on my phone.

In case you have been living under a rock and don’t know how Tinder works:

  1. Upload photos of yourself
  2. Write short, sarcastic and quippy bio about yourself
  3. Set age range for matches
  4. Set search radius for matches
  5. Start swiping

Swipe left: Not interested.  Swipe right: Interested.

If two people swipe right on each other “Congratulations, its a match!”

You can now start messaging over the app.

Tinder has a bad reputation for being a trashy hook-up app.  It is…and it isn’t.  There are a few diamonds in the ruff in there but HOLY HELL does it take a while and a lot of swiping to actually find them.

I’m discouraged by the amount of pure scumbags I initially come across.

Enter Tinder Match #1 as prime example:

“How’s it going future ex girlfriend?”

Really?  THAT’S his opening line?  Who in their right freaking mind would ever even consider dating a man who starts a conversation that way?

Must. Not. Respond. To. Cocky. Asshole. Must. Resist. Urge.

Its too late.  My fingers have already started typing.  I blame the beers.

“Well…someone’s awfully confident.”

“Well we do end up breaking up sooooo”

“How sad for YOU.”

“Oh I agree.  Seems like I’m missing out.”

“You’re planning our inevitable breakup already purely based on the notion that I would even go out with you in the first place.”

“So you’re saying you wouldn’t?”

“Given your appalling opening line…no.”

Unmatch.  Gross.

I end up matched with a few more guys.  Some of them send me messages and some don’t.  I leave the bar and call it an evening.

I start questioning my sanity.  Why did I ever download this app?  How could anything good ever come out of this?  I go home and consider just deleting it.

Until I get a message from Tinder Match #2…